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Receiving with Grace

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On a Christmas morning, a few years ago, my kids and I were sitting surrounded by tons of gift wrappers and ribbons from the gifts we had shared. They were happily chatting away and enjoying the warmth of the moment. I was sizing up the trash and thinking of all the time, money and energy people spend on gifts.

My displeasure was visible on my face and they saw it. “What’s it, Pops?” asked my youngest, twenty-something daughter.

“Ah-uhm, it is all this gift-giving and gift-receiving. I think we spend a lot of time, money and energy on these things,” I replied tersely.

“But, its Christmas Pops, and this is our tradition, our custom and our way of sharing, caring and expressing love Tatay,” added my eldest son, earnestly.

“My closets are full of shirts, shoes, socks and stuff that I do not need. I think this whole thing is a big sham and I am tired of it,” I snapped back.

I said this on a Christmas morning! In the Philippines! This was the ultimate sacrilege!

Their jaws dropped, their smiles disappeared and tears began to well up in their eyes. Humbled and hurt, they walked away and left me in my dark corner. For the rest of that week they were all moving about quietly, like zombies, like depressed zombies if there is such a thing as depressed zombies. I spent the rest of the week in the same dark corner gathering dust and cobwebs.

 

In my mind, there were scores of philosophical and anthropological questions like:

Who, in heaven’s name had invented the stupid idea of giving and receiving gifts, and why?

What kind of a stupid cave dweller had killed a pig, stuffed it in a can, and called it Christmas Ham?

Which ‘Kayumangi’ placed a red ribbon on a rotten fish and exchanged it with a neighbor for a smelly turkey? And, where exactly did he get a red ribbon from?

These were very important questions but the real questions I was avoiding were;

“What kind of a nincompoop, idiot father was I?

What was WRONG with me?

What had I done?”

For the next many days, the kids stayed ‘zombified.’ I felt like I were a pig, a rotten fish, and a smelly turkey. I felt like an Ebenezer Scrooge turned inside out. The week passed, and the year came to a slow, gruesome end but no answers, nothing. Zilch!

All night on New Year’s Eve, the ghosts of Christmas haunted me, and at dawn, as I lay in bed, thankfully, the answers came to me. It was not the size, the shape, the quality of the shirts, shoes, socks that my kids were dumping upon me. It was not the fact that my closets were falling apart from stuff I would never ever use.

 

It was the fact that my kids had all grown up, they had begun to have their own lives, their own monies, and their own choices. They were not as needy and dependent on me as they were when they were really kids.  I was becoming less and less important to them. That is what was eating me up on the inside. That was the ugly, unfounded fear that gnawing away at my happiness. Many times in life, we unconsciously practice deceiving our own thoughts, feelings, and self.

The realization made me very sad. I wanted to cry but my pride would not allow tears to roll down my face. You see, I consider myself a self-made man. I have never leaned on anyone in my life. I have never wanted support. I am a supporter, a builder and I like people to depend on me, and not the other way around. I did not cry but I swore to myself that I would change. I will learn to accept anything and everything that comes my way with grace, especially from my kids because they were all extensions of myself.

In the months and years to follow, I kept my promise and I changed. I continued to receive shoes, socks, and tee-shirts but I also began to receive cell phones, cameras, and even cars. Two years ago, my middle son bought me a huge farm and placed a beautiful house on it for me. I received everything with grace and joy.

Today, years later, I know that receiving with grace is a beautiful gift in itself. When we receive well, we make the giver feel good. They turn into bigger and better human beings, and that becomes our gift to them.

Last week my daughter drove 100 miles back and forth from the city to drop off something. I hoped it was not shirts, shoes or socks. No, she said, it was something for the farm. Here is what she brought a mini-spade, a mini-shovel, and a mini-rake for a one-hectare farm! Disregarding the size and the usefulness of these things I received them all with grace and made my daughter feel good.

Now, I do not have any advice for you Filipinos. Caring, sharing and giving is your life and your culture. Expressing love is embedded into your bone marrows, into your DNA. All I request is that you come across a senior Shrek like me from a different culture then please be kind and patient with us. Allow us to learn how to receive with grace and that will be your gift to us.

Mabuhay and an advance, Merry Christmas to you all!

On Higher Ground

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Years ago when my friend, Adrian Martinez, had shared this story with me it got stuck and has stayed until now. I know not the author but here it is the way I heard it and I hope you like it.

A traveler came upon an old farmer hoeing in his field beside the road. Eager to rest his feet, the wanderer hailed the countryman, who seemed happy enough to straighten his back and talk for a moment.

“What sort of people live in the next town?” asked the stranger.

“What were the people like where you’ve come from?” replied the farmer, answering the question with another question.

“They were a bad lot. They were all trouble-makers and lazy too. They were the most selfish people in the world, and not a one of them to be trusted. I’m happy to be leaving the scoundrels.”

“Is that so?” replied the old farmer. “Well, I’m afraid that you’ll find the same sort in the next town.

Disappointed, the traveler trudged on his way, and the farmer returned to his work.

Sometime later another stranger, coming from the same direction, hailed the farmer, and they stopped to talk. “What sort of people live in the next town?” he asked.

“What were the people like where you’ve come from?” replied the farmer once again.

“They were the best people in the world. They were hard-working, honest, and friendly. I’m sorry to be leaving them.”

“Fear not,” said the farmer. “You’ll find the same sort in the next town.”

Today, every time I work with people in my coaching sessions, I refer it to as “the eye cannot see the eye,” and our job as leaders and change drivers, every one of us, is to constantly and consistently work at shedding our, conscious and unconscious, biases.  Not that we can totally do away with biases and not that we do not need many of them for survival, for navigating our lives into safety and then growth but to be able get closer and closer to the objective truth.

The objective truth as we must understand is an ideal to be achieved. And it can only be achieved when we look in, look out, look in again and look out again as frequently as possible and as rapidly as possible. It’s called being agile. It’s called being resilient and it gives us a handle on our views, on our knee-jerk reactions. It helps us make better, empathetic and, even, holistic decisions in life and at work.

Thus, when faced with a new environment, with diversity or with what you might think others are obstructing your progress, ask yourself these questions:

  1. How much of my past experience is wrongly being projected on current reality?
  2. What if I was wrong about everything I perceive to be true?
  3. How open and flexible am I to new ideas, to diversity?
  4. How much of it is hard data which can be endorsed to be factual by a third party.
  5. After I speak up or act, will I be okay with what I have done and said? Will I have remorse?

There is never an end to this sort of reflection but yet, there can be always be a kinder, gentler and an all-around win-win way out.

When Adrian Martinez had shared this story with me he had begun by saying, “Wherever you go you carry your land with you Raju.”

I’d agreed as I agree today. And, I’d like to add is that you can place your land down and use it as a stepping stone to get to a higher ground.

[More on Appreciative Leadership]

Raju Mandhyan

Speaker, Coach & Learning Facilitator

www.mandhyan.com  
A World of Clear, Creative & Conscientious Leaders! 

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