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Same Kind of Different

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some years ago, I was attending a forum on Neuroscience at the St.Lukes’ Hospital in Fort Bonifacio, Manila, Philippines. After a few lectures, the conversations progressed to how the brain shapes and molds itself. Called neuroplasticity, as many of us have now become familiar with, is the fact that how we willfully think and how our capacities and resources respond and grow, in tandem.

The conversation then moved, in some weird way, onto fatalism and fate. The energy in the room began to wane, until an elderly person stood up and said, “Then what the Indians, they have no faith?”

The people on panel, on stage, had no idea how to come up with an answer to that one keeping in mind that the forum was on science. There were some two hundred odd people in the room and some of them knew me, as a speaker and a coach, and they began to look my way. The elderly person asking the question, of course, unaware of the Indian in the room. My jaw had dropped and the neural synapses in my brain had begun to run amuck. I had no idea what to say or do. Millions of deities and the millions of rituals I knew of began to spin and dance around my head urging me to say something. I was dumbstruck.

Thankfully, a young neuro-smart savior from the stage asked the elderly person, “What makes you say that?”

“Well,” replied the man, “when one of our travel companion had a heart attack in India, the Indian doctor declared that his chances were extremely slim. He will not last the night, he added.”

“What if we pray?” asked the Filipinos of the doctor. “Yes, you may” said the doctor, “but trust me the chances are zero to none.”

This incident had led the elderly person to conclude that all, billions of Indians have no faith. It was simplistic thinking and no offense was intended. The whole room smiled and heaved a sigh of relief. I was thankful and relieved from defending the faith of a whole nation. Whew!

Today the memory of that awkward moment and the realization of how people jump to conclusions and acquire biases brings a smile to my face. I do wonder what causes people jump to such conclusions so easily. What is the genesis? What can be done about it?

I do not have any answers yet but, over the years, I watched Filipino friends try their utmost to save and care for the sick and the dying. They go on an all-out battle against the forces of nature, against the imminent. They sell their homes, sell the shirts off their back and bruise their knees from kneeling and praying to prevent the unpreventable. They get together in groups; invite friends and neighbors to plead unto the skies on their behalf. After all their efforts, if their prayers are not answered, they humbly accept their fate. They mourn rightly and bounce back very, very quickly. It is an amazing trait and I have watched it in awe and appreciation many times in my life. In the India of my childhood, my memories are of our families being a little more pragmatic about death but continuing to mourn and taking a wee bit longer to bounce back into life.

The bigger realization and take-away I have from this insight is that I, religiously, refrain from making sweeping and generalizing statements about any community or culture. The way I go about it is something you might want to consider in looking at our diverse world:

One, when I come across a behavior or a practice that is new to me, I step back and try to explore it a bit more and try to understand why people say and do, what they say and do. I give it time.

Two, when I begin to see a picture that is a lot clearer and precise as to what people of a different culture are saying and doing then I make an effort to understand what is about myself that finds things different.

Three, I move forward with caution, care and courtesy towards the novel belief or practice until I find a connection and a commonality from which point synergies can be developed.

This practice over the years has built my persona. The influences towards this practice have been the sense and the sensibilities of the two beautiful cultures I have been part of for decades. I truly believe that ‘We are all the same kind of different.’ What remains important is kindness and courtesy towards all others. Treat others as if they were a reflection of your own selves. ‘Pakikipagkapwa-tao,’ we call that belief and behavior in the Philippines.

On Higher Ground

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Years ago when my friend, Adrian Martinez, had shared this story with me it got stuck and has stayed until now. I know not the author but here it is the way I heard it and I hope you like it.

A traveler came upon an old farmer hoeing in his field beside the road. Eager to rest his feet, the wanderer hailed the countryman, who seemed happy enough to straighten his back and talk for a moment.

“What sort of people live in the next town?” asked the stranger.

“What were the people like where you’ve come from?” replied the farmer, answering the question with another question.

“They were a bad lot. They were all trouble-makers and lazy too. They were the most selfish people in the world, and not a one of them to be trusted. I’m happy to be leaving the scoundrels.”

“Is that so?” replied the old farmer. “Well, I’m afraid that you’ll find the same sort in the next town.

Disappointed, the traveler trudged on his way, and the farmer returned to his work.

Sometime later another stranger, coming from the same direction, hailed the farmer, and they stopped to talk. “What sort of people live in the next town?” he asked.

“What were the people like where you’ve come from?” replied the farmer once again.

“They were the best people in the world. They were hard-working, honest, and friendly. I’m sorry to be leaving them.”

“Fear not,” said the farmer. “You’ll find the same sort in the next town.”

Today, every time I work with people in my coaching sessions, I refer it to as “the eye cannot see the eye,” and our job as leaders and change drivers, every one of us, is to constantly and consistently work at shedding our, conscious and unconscious, biases.  Not that we can totally do away with biases and not that we do not need many of them for survival, for navigating our lives into safety and then growth but to be able get closer and closer to the objective truth.

The objective truth as we must understand is an ideal to be achieved. And it can only be achieved when we look in, look out, look in again and look out again as frequently as possible and as rapidly as possible. It’s called being agile. It’s called being resilient and it gives us a handle on our views, on our knee-jerk reactions. It helps us make better, empathetic and, even, holistic decisions in life and at work.

Thus, when faced with a new environment, with diversity or with what you might think others are obstructing your progress, ask yourself these questions:

  1. How much of my past experience is wrongly being projected on current reality?
  2. What if I was wrong about everything I perceive to be true?
  3. How open and flexible am I to new ideas, to diversity?
  4. How much of it is hard data which can be endorsed to be factual by a third party.
  5. After I speak up or act, will I be okay with what I have done and said? Will I have remorse?

There is never an end to this sort of reflection but yet, there can be always be a kinder, gentler and an all-around win-win way out.

When Adrian Martinez had shared this story with me he had begun by saying, “Wherever you go you carry your land with you Raju.”

I’d agreed as I agree today. And, I’d like to add is that you can place your land down and use it as a stepping stone to get to a higher ground.

[More on Appreciative Leadership]

Raju Mandhyan

Speaker, Coach & Learning Facilitator

www.mandhyan.com  
A World of Clear, Creative & Conscientious Leaders! 

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